Holidays Blahidays

For me Halloween has always signaled the "Get Ready! Set! And GO!" kick off for the holidays.  Nope I don't start at the beginning of the calendar year, for some reason it's always be Halloween that starts the celebration season.

Anymore these days I consider them the Blahidays! I truly try to get in the spirit and enjoy every bit.  As the years pass though they merely bring more depression than joy. Then when my sister passed away it sucked any encouragement right out of me to push towards the holidays. For a short time nieces and nephews sparked my inner joy once more, but that too was short lived. Frustration in it's highest form, for I love to make others smile and revel in the smallest things.

So yet again this year I stand with a choice :
1- Letting myself with the house lay empty and holidayless or 2-Attempt to spark that fire in me once more.

Honestly I don't ever know what will come. Family is scattered all over. We have no kids and to me that makes the holidays so much grander. Teaching values and so much more during these times of the year. Then being around relatives that have children merely is a slap in the face we have yet to be blessed.  Last year was a joy having our niece live with us during the holiday season. This year though just as the season is to kick off,  it is just hubby and I here. Every year I say the same wish, pray, hope and plea for a child. Every year rejected. To the point I have neglected to do the previous stated anymore. It only weighs my heart with sadness.

My worst fear is that I am becoming bitter. I refuse to put on a fake display of holiday cheer though. Had too do that enough as a child, I will not do it as an adult. I find myself wanting a house in the mountains where we can hibernate the Blahiday season away- the bitter hag in the shack. But then this little sparkle within me begins to warms and yearns to spread joy all around. Money is tight but I had planned to make gifts this year. And poof the spark fades. Then the desire to spread love amplifies it back! I feel like I am riding a seesaw with my emotions battling them for the emotions of others. In the end I endure my sorrows, being with others for they don't deserve to suffer scrooge-like behavior due to my blahness.

Come on Blahidays I shall battle you with my sword of Optimism and Love!