Ninja Night Emotions

Last night was weird.
Last night was random.*
Last night I found myself with tears trickling down my face.

There I said it and admit it.

I swear emotions wear ninja outfits.
Anger charges in red.
Sorrow appears in Blue.
Greed and envy creep up in green.
You get the gist.

Last night I was laying there in bed, playing Words with Friends  normal and fine. Then out of no where as Hubby said good night after turning the lights out a thought escaped my lips.

"Hun, do you think I will ever know the whole truth?" That was followed up with,

 "as in who is my biological father."

I guess some back story is needed here to fully understand. Since learning in school, jr. high I believe it was I was around 11 years old, about genes, traits and pregnancy I had the suspicion. That my daddy wasn't my father. It wasn't an instant AHA! Moment. But over time pieces of stories didn't fit together. I was born a month and six days after my parents married, but over time statements would slip. They didn't meet until New years (less than six months prior) then mom(who is no part of my life now)  in her many episodes would mumble comments about one shouldn't marry someone you've only known for six months, among other statements. Denying it later.  Add to this I am the only blonde on both sides of the family. It was actually a family joke I was adopted.  So ya, short version there, I knew though wasn't one hundred percent certain.

When I reunited with our half siblings after my sister's death  more pieces came out. But still we were all children in the past so memories and information can be distorted, at least that is what I would constantly tell myself to push forward as if I wasn't different. It is sad that with the lost of a sister, whom was only 28, it opened so many doors to the truth being revealed in many areas. At times I cry out was it worth it!?! or Why did it have to be this way?!?

I could write a novel on all of this (if I could write decently) but this post is about last night.

I was content to carry on with some additional knowledge and partial confirmation that I was right, dad wasn't my bio dad. I never said a word to anyone else. Especially to my Baby Sister. Then life threw another curve ball, or fast pitch depending on how you look at it, in the path of truth and honesty. It was just over a year ago, at the beginning of October. My Baby sister and Niece had moved in with us. We were sitting around and she got a phone call. A strange phone call conversation. It was from my niece's father and I could tell by the look on Baby Sister's face something was up. Long story short here: A man had been searching for her, contacted her in laws, and claimed to be her biological father. -insert bombshells exploding here-  Now I had questioned her paternity in the past to myself, but again was relying on child memories. I knew the man with the claim, he was actually her godfather. Ironic. He was also part of my own childhood memories. This brought a windstorm of events, but once again more family truth was being revealed. I opened up about my own paternity questions with her. She is bolder than I going to dad about this a week later and then laid it into mom over the phone.

So the following Thanksgiving Weekend, Daddy and I sat down ( he was the last to discuss anything with me though everyone of us were all talking of it) in my back yard. I hurt for him. We had for weeks now been talking about Baby Sister's situation and not one time would I bring up my own. How could I, this man  took the title and role of my father willingly and fully.  As we sat there he shared what he knew. Which confirmed my own suspicions and memories. He shared that he threatened everyone's life if they were to ever tell me the truth. His reason for keeping it from me, he was afraid I would think less of him. Contrary to his thinking, I think the world of him. This man, though not by blood, is MY Daddy!  He has been my father with full love and care, no he wasn't perfect. But I can honestly say he is the one person that has loved me so fully (till hubby that is)  even my own mother, my blood, threw my existence in my face  and I was the root of her unhappiness. Never tell a child you should have aborted them when you had the chance. Not once, not repeatedly. It scars ever so deeply each time.

Again I am off track but that is the back story, in super brief form. So last night I was hit hard by the fact I may never know who my biological father is. There are rumors of course of one possibility. Then Baby Sister learned during letting mom  have it during her issue about my supposed bio-dad being some guy she was madly in love with but he wanted no kids named Mike. At least that's what she thinks his name was. But mom is such a tangled multi web maker of a liar who knows if that is true.  I feel so guilty at times for wanting to know who. I don't want a relationship. Hell I don't want to talk to the man. I just want to know more about this part of my make up that makes me -me. My lineage so to speak. Or ancestry, what ever it is called. Are there medical conditions I need to be watchful of? I know on my mom's side I am Hungarian/Slovakian but what about on my bio-dad's side.  I am happy that Baby Sister has these answers though. For what ever they are.

But I have nights like last night where I may never know. Nights where I get so mad at people for their distance due to keeping my mother's secrets. At least that's why I think relatives have nothing to do with me. It all hurts though. I know the past isn't as important as the present and future. Trust me I get that. But when you have questioned your past all your life, living with lies and abuse you just want the truth. Plus I like know both or all sides of a story.

But I won't cause turmoil in others' lives to find it, so I am left with Ninja Night Emotions.
With hurt, pain and questions.
 Allowing the tears to dry by the time I wake and smiling at the new day and love I have for those in my life. Clinging more tightly to what I do have and the happiness it brings.

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* by random I mean out of the blue. These type things are very common now.